New Awareness is a Gift in the Present Moment

I fell to my knees before Him, and I said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I was full of regret for my impatience, my choices, and my failures. I was crying and pleading with Jesus to forgive me. I knew I wouldn’t change without His help. I begged Him to touch me. Jesus reached out and placed His hands on my head, and I was hopeful that He would make me better. He touched my head, my neck, my stomach: every place that was broken. I knew I would go right back to my old ways if He didn’t fix me. I ached to be healed.  

This is what I gleaned from this vision: an awareness of my fears of falling short and my deep desire to be healed. I am more mindful of the grief I carry with me now. It’s grief over my shortcomings. I never feel good enough. In the present moment I see that there’s not enough grace for me inside of me. It’s more than grief. It’s trauma. Trauma from all the years of being guilty when I had done nothing wrong. I hold these new understandings gently. I don’t fight them. They are opportunity to release all the fear, grief, and brokenness. The first step towards being healed is this new level of awareness.  

I offer no advice. This is my experience and my journey. I can’t speak to yours. However, it might be helpful if you read this and discover that the present moment, no matter how challenging, may also offer you a new awareness. Perhaps, this is the gift of the moment. 

Reader’s Note: The ECVA (Episcopal Church and Visual Arts) exhibition titled Stories from the Road shares “I’m Sorry.”

I fell to my knees before Him, and I said, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” I was full of regret for my impatience, my choices, and my failures.